


if you doubt

by angellwings



Series: when the smoke clears [3]
Category: Chicago Fire
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Mutual Pining, One Shot, Personal Growth, Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2020-11-28
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:53:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27750334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angellwings/pseuds/angellwings
Summary: She’s gone and done it again.She’s set herself up for disappointment.How many times is she going to do that with Matt before she learns her lesson?They’ve made their quality time a regular thing lately and it’s been...wonderful. They talk like she’s never talked to anyone before. On a deeper level than the way she talks to Stella, even.She’s learned many things about Matt over the last couple of weeks. His family history, Hallie, The Dardens, and even a little about Louie. But Gabby was still an awkward topic. As if he didn’t want to remind either of them why they were in this limbo in the first place. Or that’s how she took it anyway.Thepointbeing, she’s gotten used to starting her day with coffee in his quarters to talk about everything and nothing. Buttodaythat didn’t happen.
Relationships: Sylvie Brett/Matthew Casey
Series: when the smoke clears [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2027452
Comments: 49
Kudos: 135





	if you doubt

**Author's Note:**

> **A/N:** So, here’s part 3! Hopefully you guys enjoy this! I had a lot of fun writing it and tried to throw in a surprise or two. I’m hoping for a part 4 but we’ll see how and when inspiration strikes! (comments and kudos definitely help the inspiration if you’re wondering!)
> 
> Shout out to **katertots** for helping me out with this entire series so far! She’s been amazing through all of it! 
> 
> Happy reading!
> 
> xoxo

_******_

_“So if you doubt for the time that you're spending,_

_And if you doubt for the love in your heart,_

_Think of London and the girl you're returning,_

_And the days you defend will turn to gold._

_So love with your eyes,_

_Love with your mind,_

_Love with you,_

_Dare I stay forever?”_

_-“Forever” by Mumford & Sons_

_******_

She’s gone and done it again.

She’s set herself up for disappointment.

How many times is she going to do that with Matt before she learns her lesson?

They’ve made their quality time a regular thing lately and it’s been... _wonderful_. They talk like she’s never talked to anyone before. On a deeper level than the way she talks to Stella, even.

She’s learned many things about Matt over the last couple of weeks. His family history, Hallie, The Dardens, and even a little about Louie. But Gabby was still an awkward topic. As if he didn’t want to remind either of them why they were in this limbo in the first place. Or that’s how she took it anyway.

The _point_ being, she’s gotten used to starting her day with coffee in his quarters to talk about everything and nothing. But _today_ that didn’t happen.

Matt had several hours off that morning that he hadn’t told her about. It soured her mood for the rest of the morning. Okay, sure, she and Matt aren’t dating so she knows she really doesn’t have the right to be in on all his secrets but…

Isn’t that what he’d been doing these last couple of weeks — letting her in on his secrets?

She’d really been enjoying that. He’s so reserved and fiercely private. Him letting her in made her feel…

_Important_.

But finding out he’d kept her in the dark this morning left her feeling insignificant. Not a great way to start the day. And just when she thought they were making progress, too.

She should have known better. She thought Matt letting her in was his way of fighting for her, of doing the work he promised. That was her first mistake, thinking Matt or anyone else for that matter would fight for her.

When has anyone ever thought she was worth that kind of effort?

It impacts her mood so greatly, that _Mackey_ notices.

“Are you okay?” Gianna asks as they leave Med from their third call of the day.

“Fine, why?” Sylvie asks, trying to sound unbothered.

“You just bit Desmond’s head off for trying to help us change the linens on the gurney.”

“Well, it’s our gurney, not his. We can handle it on our own,” she explains, with a regretful wince. 

“Alright,” Mackey replies, giving her wary side eye. She doesn’t say anything else but Sylvie can tell by the look on her face that she doesn’t buy her answer.

As they pull back into the house she sees Matt’s truck in his usual spot. Look who finally showed up for shift, she thinks with a bitter sigh. Okay, that’s not exactly fair to him. He’s allowed to have his secrets. Just because she enjoyed feeling like she knew most of his secrets, doesn’t mean she can expect to know all of them from here on out when _she’s_ the one who took a step back from him a few weeks ago. She chose to put a little space between them.

But, then again, wouldn’t it be nice if Matt fought her on that just a little bit? He’s respectful and she loves that about him, but sometimes she wonders if he really and truly _wants_ her.

They pull into the house and Matt is waiting for them on the app floor.

“Good luck with your handful,” Mackey mutters to him as she walks past.

His brow furrows at Gianna in confusion before turning back around to face her. “What was that about? You guys have a tough call?”

“No,” Sylvie answers, blandly. She doesn’t want to seem happy to see him (which she definitely shouldn’t be) but she also doesn’t want to seem irritated by being left out of his life (which she also shouldn’t be). To avoid either, she goes for stoic. “Did you need something?”

He looks surprised by her no nonsense tone and narrows his eyes on her. “Did I do something? You seem... _subdued._ ”

“No, you didn’t do anything,” she protests. Or more like you didn’t do one specific thing, she thinks with a tired sigh.

“You’re saying I didn’t but that sigh says I did. What’s wrong?”

She huffs and decides she needs to keep busy if they’re going to get into this. Avoiding it isn’t working. Matt knows her too well. She opens the back of the rig and steps inside, putting away the new supplies they’d gotten while at Med. “You could have told me you took the morning off. I showed up at your quarters with two mugs of coffee only to find Wilson from third shift at your desk instead of you.”

He grimaces and rubs a hand across his forehead. “Right, _that_.”

“Yeah, _that_.”

“I meant to tell you I was off but everything with this job has sort of snowballed at the last minute, things got a little crazy, and it slipped my mind,” Matt explains. “I just had a few time sensitive things that couldn’t be scheduled around shift.”

Time sensitive job related things that couldn’t be scheduled around shift? Like what? The whole reason construction is his side job is because it’s easy to work around his 24-on-48-off CFD schedule. Not to be untrusting but that answer sounds like a half-truth.

But, again, they’re not dating. He doesn’t owe her anything. Clearly, she’d been misunderstanding all their talks and this other level intimacy they’d been reaching wasn’t about what she thought it was.

Shame on her for thinking it might be.

Her reply to his explanation is a curt, “okay.”

“Really,” he says, trying to reassure her. “My schedule just got crazy and I forgot to tell you.”

Why does he think that makes it better? Does he understand how that sounds? Because everytime he says it, she feels more and more like an afterthought.

She nods, pressing her lips together in a stern line. She’s trying her hardest not to feel offended. “Mhm, I slipped your mind. Got it. Makes sense.”

Oppressive quiet falls between them and Matt shifts his weight from one foot to the other, a confounded expression pointed at her while she tries to ignore him and inventory the new supplies. After a pause, he climbs up in the rig, puts himself in front of her, and ducks his head to block her line of sight with his face. His concerned, stupidly handsome face that has no effect on her whatsoever. (Liar.)

“ _You_ didn’t slip my mind,” he says pointedly. “Telling you did. There’s a difference, I promise.”

Oh God, his eyes look so damn sincere — as if he’d give up anything he had if it meant she’d believe him. Something inside her melts into a puddle of goo. It’s not her heart because it’s suddenly thumping extra loud in her ears. His face is _so close_ to hers. And he smells really wonderful. Woodsy and smokey with a hint of eucalyptus. Why is that combination so perfect?

The intentional reminder that she _is_ important throws a comforting blanket over her hurt — downgrading it to insecurity and confusion. How did he manage that so easily?

“Since I missed our regularly scheduled morning coffee,” he says, smiling apologetically at her. “Can I make it up to you by taking you _out_ for coffee after shift? Or maybe even breakfast?”

She hates that her next answer is going to sound like she’s avoiding him. She isn’t, but it might seem that way to him.

“I can’t,” she replies, biting her bottom lip. “I have plans.”

“Look, I know I should have told you that I wouldn’t be here today and I’m sorry—“

“No, Matt, it’s not like that,” she assures him, reaching out to squeeze his arm. “I’m leaving for Rockford right after shift. Scott and I have had it planned for a few weeks now. I’m spending the day with Amelia.”

“Oh,” he replies, obvious relief written on his face followed by disappointment. “Right. Okay, well I’ll just catch you next shift.” He turns to climb down from the rig but stops and turns back at the last minute. “Unless, you’d be open to having a friend come along? I could drive. Give you one less thing to worry about.”

“I don’t know, Matt,” she says, fiddling with the watchband on her wrist. She’s still a little hurt about him not telling her he’d be gone and then obviously not telling her the entire truth about why.

“Come on,” he pleads. “I messed up today and I want to make it up to you.”

“It’s an all day trip. We wouldn’t be back until late—“

“I can make that work. I’ll _gladly_ make that work,” he insists.

He’s watching her closely with an expression that’s half hopeful and half doubtful. Like he wants her to say yes but doesn’t think she actually will.

“As long as you’re not going too far out of your way to make it happen,” she begins, giving him a small smile and feigning carelessness with a lift of her shoulders. “Then I guess that’s okay.”

“Great!” He exclaims happily, stepping backward and nearly falling out of the ambo.

She reaches for him at the same time he catches himself on the door and stifles a giggle at his sheepish face.

“I should probably watch where I’m going,” he says, blushing furiously. “Can’t really drive you to Rockford if I fall to my death.”

She grins and presses a hand to her lips to keep from laughing. Once she’s composed again, she nods. “No, you can’t. Plus, Severide would probably never let you live it down if you had to take a shift off for falling out of the ambo.”

He points to her, conceding her point. “Can we _not_ tell him about that?”

She chuckles and drops a hand over her heart. “I’m sworn to secrecy. I’m terrible at secrets but I’ll do my best to keep this one.”

_For you_. Ugh, Sylvie Brett, do not tell him that. You’re in enough trouble as it is. No need to make it worse by telling him about it.

She waits until he’s walked into the house to hop down from Ambo and sprint in behind him. She turns in the opposite direction Matt went and heads for the common room. She finds Stella making phone calls to the parents of her Girls on Fire group, explaining schedules and small group assignments. She sits down next to her, leg bouncing anxiously, as she waits for her to wrap up a call.

Kidd hangs up the phone and turns slowly to face Sylvie with a quirked brow. “Can I help you?”

“God, I hope so.”

Knowing amusement crosses Stella’s face. “Should we take this into the turnout room or—“

She glances around finding them all alone, save for Mouch dozing on the couch. “No, we’re safe.”

“Okay, what’s going on with Casey this time?” Stella asks, crossing her arms over her chest.

“I just agreed to let him drive me to Rockford after shift,” she states with a pained groan. “Why did I do that?”

“Because you have a weakness for that whole Captain America gimmick he has going on?” Stella suggests with a smirk.

“Stella! I’m serious! I just agreed to spend a whole day with him. Three hours of which will be us alone in his truck!”

“So?”

“So! Why am I doing this to myself? I’m just setting myself up for more heartbreak! He’s still working through his Gabby issues and here I am falling more and more in love with him every time he confides in me! As if that indicates he feels what I feel! People confide in _friends_ too. Us talking about our pasts does not indicate romance and yet my heart is taking it that way anyway.” Sylvie sighs and rolls her eyes at herself. “You’d think I’d know better by now. I ruin every romantic endeavor I make and this one won’t be any different. Honestly, this is probably my biggest mistake yet. I’m going to lose Matt for good and break my own heart in the process because everyone knows there is no way I’m ever gonna measure up to—“

“Whoa, slow down,” Stella says, reaching out and grabbing her by the shoulders. “Take a breath. And I know you weren’t about to say what I think you were going to say.” She gives Sylvie’s shoulders a gentle shake and pins her down with a warm but firm glare. “You have got to stop comparing yourself to _her_. Not a single person in this firehouse is measuring you against anyone else.”

“No?” Sylvie asks in disbelief. “You mean I shouldn’t be aware of who’s _shadow_ I’m walking in?” She knows her tone sounds hollow and bitter. She knows that’s unlike her. She’s not normally so insecure.

But she’s never felt for anyone what she feels for Matt and it’s amplifying even her tiniest doubts. 

Stella shakes her head and pulls Sylvie to her in a hug. She tightens her arms around her as she speaks.“Girl, your shadow is big enough all on it’s own.” She cranes her neck back to meet Sylvie’s eyes. “And I know you’re scared of taking a risk with Casey, especially after what happened the first time you took a leap, but if you let that fear dictate your decisions then you’re gonna regret it. That’s why you never have before.”

“Yeah,” Sylvie replies, swallowing thickly. “And all I’ve got to show for it are two busted engagements, a string of break ups, and one quickly dissolving will-they-won’t-they. I’m not sure if that’s much better than having regrets.”

Her friend’s brow furrows deeply with more concern than she’s seen from Stella since Julie died. Wow, she must look upset if she’s on the receiving end of _that_ look. Kidd starts to say something else but the bells go off before she can get it out.

It’s a call for 61. Sylvie throws a quick thanks over her shoulder as she jogs off to meet Mackey at their rig. The rest of shift is nothing but back to back calls with a brief overnight break of about five hours. That’s time Sylvie knows she needs to sleep given her plans the next day so she forces her eyes shut and wills herself to tune out the doubts and fears that have been plaguing her all day.

If she’s going to come out on the other side of a car trip with Matt Casey and rebuild those walls she’s let weaken little by little then she needs all the rest she can manage.

The next morning, she gets up before the rest of the house and heads into the kitchen for a cup of coffee. Once she’s got her coffee, she turns to walk away with it and almost runs right into Severide.

“God!” She yells, startling at the wall of muscle in front of her. “I didn’t even hear you walk in!”

“Bring your coffee,” Kelly says, with a tilted smirk. “Come with me.”

“Um, why?” She asks, warily.

“You need a Cigar Chat,” Severide tells her, turning and walking off toward the app floor.

She scrambles to catch up with a confused crease in her brow. “I don’t smoke cigars.”

“We’re making an exception,” Kelly replies with a chuckle. “Call it a Coffee Chat if you want. Bottom line is, we’re having one.”

“If this is about me and Matt—“

“This isn’t about you and Casey. It’s about you and me,” he tells her, holding open the door for her. She walks through it as he continues. “Well, okay. You, me, Casey, and Dawson. But mostly you and me.”

She waits for him to step in front of her again. “Severide, I don’t think—“

“Good because we’ve all been doing that too much lately.”

She blinks at him while she processes his interruption. She’s still processing it when he leads her across the apron to the bench along the sidewalk in front of the Firehouse. Luckily, it’s not a frigid morning and her paramedic jacket seems to be enough warmth because she didn’t think they’d be straying this far from the house.

He motions for her to sit and waits until she does before he joins her.

“Stella hasn’t told me anything about what you and her talked about but she did mention she was worried about you,” Kelly says, pausing to sip from his own mug. “And when Stella worries, I worry. I also won’t lie and pretend I haven’t heard all the details from Casey. We both know I have. No sense talking around it. I can put together Stella’s worry with what Matt’s told me and come to an understanding they probably can’t. Which is why I want to talk to you.”

Sylvie gnaws the inside of her cheek and nods. She’s not quite sure what to say just yet.

“You and I were front and center for a lot of what went down with Dawson and Casey,” Severide states. “Different points of view, of course, but we got the same updates at the exact same time. If anyone gets what that relationship seemed like from the outside, it’s me.”

Sylvie sucks in a deep breath. She doesn’t particularly want to have this conversation but she nods again to concede his point.

“For a long time,” Severide starts, leaning back on the bench and stretching his legs out in front of him. “I held them up as this shining example of a—I guess _epic?—_ love. I saw what I thought they had and I wanted that for myself. I’m sure you did too. Right?”

“Gabby and I may have had conversations about that, yes,” she admits, wincing at the irony of it all now.

“Yeah, well, what they had wasn’t what you or I thought it was,” Kelly tells her. “I didn’t realize till Dawson left, but...that relationship wasn’t good for him. I gave him advice about going after her back then, but I only did it because he was so torn up over her and it only mattered what made _him_ happy — or what he thought made him happy. The advice I give him _now_ is very different. I also have Stella now. I didn’t have her before. I’m in my own committed relationship and through that I’ve learned a few things of my own. What Casey and Dawson had wasn’t going to work in the long term even if she’d stayed and that ‘even if’ is a long shot. Dawson was always looking to be a part of something bigger than herself or Chicago. This city was never really enough for her — 51 was never enough for her. Which is fine. I don’t hold that against her. I don’t have an issue with ambition. I only have an issue when that ambition hurts other people I care about. It hurt Shay, at certain points. It hurt you. And it sure as hell hurt Casey — for six years straight.”

He’s not wrong about Gabby’s ambition. It did hurt her. So did her recklessness and hot head. She loved Gabby but most of the time when she got in trouble professionally it was because of her. She also knew Gabby leaving left Matt angry and hurt. She’d seen that in his eyes during their first conversation about it right after she left (permanently) for Puerto Rico.

But they hadn’t talked about it that much since then. They hadn’t really talked about Gabby at all. Ever.

“Look, I’m not here to tell you all of Casey’s dirt or plead his case. That’s on him,” Severide says, crossing his legs at the ankles. “But I am here to tell you that I get it. You and I both put their relationship on a pedestal for a long time, and that’s hard to shake. Sometimes when a person leaves we romanticize them. But Gabby Dawson is just as flawed as the rest of us. She can be selfish and short sighted just as often as she can be compassionate and brave. She isn’t perfect and she certainly isn’t perfect for _Casey_. I just thought a reminder of how human she is from someone who was as close to them as you were might be helpful.”

He was right. It is helpful.

It’s reminding her of the times she and Gabby butted heads or of the times she had to talk a little bit of sense into her after a fight with Casey. And of the reason she and Gabby haven’t really talked since she left in the first place. They argued because Gabby couldn’t see how much Sylvie was hurting after watching that woman die and, instead of addressing it, Gabby ran away. By the time she came back it felt like old news. Sylvie wasn’t one to hold a grudge and it just didn’t seem important anymore. Not to her, anyway.

The more she thinks about it, the less intimidating Gabby becomes. Gabby’s not some distant far off legend. She’s a woman who loved fiercely but made lots of mistakes and ultimately found her place elsewhere — leaving a heavy dose of hurt in her wake.

“Thank you, Severide,” Sylvie says, with a ghost of a smile and a pensive glance. “You’re right. You did help. I think I’d forgotten a lot of things in the face of all my insecurities.” 

He shrugs but his eyes are full of solemn understanding. “That happens to all of us from time to time. I get it.” He scratches behind his neck and looks away from her awkwardly for a moment, but when his eyes come back to hers they’re confident and full of gratitude. “On a more personal note, 51 is damn lucky to have a paramedic and a _person_ as dedicated as you are. If you ask me, you’re just as much a fixture here as anyone who came before you and I think—“ He cuts himself off and swallows thickly, a bittersweet smile forming on his face. “I think you make 61...and Shay very proud, even if you never met her.”

Tears form in Sylvie’s eyes. She knows just how _huge_ of a compliment that is — especially coming from Severide. “You have no idea how much I appreciate that.”

His eyes are as misty as hers and he clears his throat to push the emotions away. He stands up, sipping his coffee as he goes, and then holds out an arm toward her. She stares at it for a beat, not sure what he’s trying to do. He huffs out a laugh and shakes his head.

“Come on,” he says, grabbing her hand and hauling her up from the bench. “One quick hug and then we’ll get out of the cold and pretend I’m not a total sap.”

She releases a soft soggy chuckle, finally understanding him, and nods. “Deal.”

He wraps her up in a bear hug, squeezing her tightly against him for a lingering minute. She grins against his shoulder and rubs a hand over his back. She can honestly say this is a first for her and Severide. She doesn’t hate it. He pats her back and they pull apart, both wearing fond smiles.

Kelly clears his throat again, forcing himself to school his face into his usual ambiguous expression and gives her a crisp nod. “Good talk, Brett.”

She chuckles at his macho facade before agreeing. “Good talk.”

They walk back into the house to find everyone else up and in the common room. Stella beams at them both as Sylvie sits down next to her and then crushes Brett with a hug. Sylvie laughs softly as she returns the gesture.

“You look happier than you did last night,” she whispers as they sway through the sisterly embrace.

“It’s the strangest thing,” Sylvie replies, craning away from Stella and tossing a secretive grin at Severide. “I’m suddenly feeling a little encouraged. Guess I just needed some fresh air.”

Stella glances over at her boyfriend with a proud knowing grin but plays along with Sylvie’s bit. “Yeah, that cold Chicago wind sure does wonders for the soul sometimes.”

She and Mackey manage to avoid a call during the last hour of their shift so they’re changed out and ready to go exactly on time. Truck wasn’t so lucky, though, so Sylvie waits on her bunk until Matt’s ready to go.

He emerges from the locker room dressed and wearing an apologetic expression. “Hey, sorry to hold you up.”

She smiles kindly at him and rolls her eyes with fond frustration. “No need to apologize. It’s not like you did it on purpose, Matt.”

“I know, but still--”

“Stop,” Sylvie interrupts, reaching out to squeeze his arm. “It’s not a big deal and barely a delay at all. It’s fine.”

Matt nods and points a warm smile at her that turns her insides to total mush. “I’m tempted to say I’ll make it up to you but this is already me making up for something so that doesn’t seem like a good look. How about we stop for breakfast while we’re on the road. My treat?”

She’s still dreading this car ride and the awkwardness it’s sure to bring with it so maybe agreeing to stop for breakfast isn’t the greatest idea but they have to eat. Might as well stop and get something better than fast food.

“Sure, that sounds great,” Sylvie agrees.

They walk out to his truck and load up in silence. Neither of them seem to quite know how to break the ice. Between feeling like Matt forgot her this morning, her frantic talk with Stella, and her more emotional talk with Severide, Sylvie feels completely chaotic. She’s been on a roller coaster over the last twenty four hours and she has no idea what to do with any of it. 

Two things she knows for sure:

One, Matt didn’t tell her the entire truth about where he was yesterday morning.

Two, they’ve avoided talking about Gabby for as long as they possibly can.

The first thing she can do something about. The second thing she’ll have to hope Matt realizes on his own. She’s already brought her up once. That’s how they ended up where they are now. 

It’s his turn.

She’s not quite sure how to bring up yesterday, though. She doesn’t want to accuse him of lying and she doesn’t want to come off as angry. Because she isn’t angry. She’s...disappointed. What was he doing that he felt he couldn’t tell her about? Why shut her out when he’d worked so hard to let her in up until now? It doesn’t make sense.

She spends the first half of the ninety minute drive trying to puzzle out the best way to ask him about it. Matt pulls off an exit and into a local diner that looks much more appealing than any fast food restaurant. Despite the awkward silence of the drive so far, she’s glad she agreed to breakfast.

The hostess sits them in a corner booth and, while she walks away to fetch their waitress, Sylvie peels off her coat and gloves. She glances around the restaurant with an enchanted smile. It looks like a classic fifties diner. Checkerboard floors, Silver stools with glossy upholstered seats at the counter, booths with formica covered tables, and made complete by cream colored melamine coffee cups and saucers. It was like stepping back in time. 

“I like this place,” she says as she continues to look around.

“I thought you might,” Matt tells her with a quiet chuckle. “Saw the billboard and thought it seemed like your style. I’m relieved I was right.”

It’s the first substantial exchange they’ve had since they left the firehouse forty-five minutes ago, and of course it ends up being about Matt trying to make her happy. Does this man ever stop being _good_? And why couldn’t he just tell her what it was he did yesterday morning? It’s _Matt_. There’s no way it’s anything unseemly.

The waitress comes over and takes their orders. It’s a pretty average breakfast menu so it doesn’t take them long. Within a few minutes they’re left to their own devices again.

Sylvie bites her bottom lip but simply can’t hold back her curiosity anymore.

“What were you _really_ doing yesterday morning?” Sylvie blurts out. She mentally berates herself and then rushes to explain her doubt. “I mean, what exactly could be related to one of your jobs that was so incredibly time sensitive? I thought the advantage to construction is that it’s flexible. Isn’t it?”

He blinks at her, thrown by her question. She can see the wheels turning in his eyes as he tries to think of how to answer her. It’s similar to the expression he wore when he tried to tell her he _didn’t_ arrive at the Ambo wreck before everyone else. He was lying then and she thinks he’s about to lie now too.

But their waitress interrupts them before he can.

“Oh, sorry, forgot to pour the coffee,” she says with a friendly smile. “Here you go. Cream and sugar coming right up.”

“Thank you,” Sylvie replies, acknowledging her with a nod.

When she’s gone again, her expectant eyes turn back to Matt -- still waiting for an answer.

He gulps and closes his eyes with a wince. “You’re right. I wasn’t working.”

“So...you lied?” she asks with a tired sigh.

“I did,” he confesses.

“Matt--”

“I can explain!” He replies. He urgently forges ahead, freely offering additional information. “An old client of mine is about to put their house on the market and I had a very narrow window to look at it before the listing went public. It’s in a great neighborhood close to the firehouse and if all it needed was a little bit of renovating then it would be worth it to get a bid in early. But the house was a disaster. It would be cheaper to tear it all down and start over than renovate so the whole arrangement was a bust anyway.”

“You’re moving out of Severide’s?” She asks with wide eyed surprise.

He nods. “As soon as I can find a suitable place, yeah.”

Why didn’t he just _say_ that? Why go to all that trouble to hide it from her? Sure, it’s a big step and a lot of work, but she thinks it’s a good move for him. Besides that, he knows how much she loves real estate! She would have gladly helped.

Or did he not want her help? Did he not tell her because he didn’t want her getting her hopes up? She doesn’t understand and here lately when she doesn’t understand her insecurities fill in the gaps. They’re starting to do that now.

She’s just about to ask him some of her questions when their waitress comes back again with cream and sugar for their coffee.

“Thanks,” Matt replies with a forced smile and a small wave. She knows him well enough to tell he’s a bit put out by her continuous interruptions.

When their waitress is gone again, Sylvie leans forward to catch Matt’s eyes with a bewildered expression. “Couldn’t you have just told me that? Why lie about it?”

He huffs and rolls his neck as if he needs to warm up to talk about this. Despite her confusion and hurt, a part of her finds it cute. God, she’s such a sucker for him and so very screwed if none of this goes the way she wants it to.

“Without you, I wouldn’t be confronting any of this,” Matt tells her with an earnest gaze. “I just thought...I thought I’d let you do enough of the heavy lifting and it was time I handle something myself. All on my own. It’s my baggage to carry around, not yours.”

Oh! Well that’s actually extremely…

Sweet.

Misguided, sure, but _sweet_.

He keeps surprising her. Every time she thinks she’s finally losing him, he goes and pulls a stunt like this to prove her wrong.

She’s not used to the men in her life exceeding her expectations. No, she’s used to overcompensating for their failures -- molding herself to their lives in order to meet _their_ needs. She’s never had someone try and meet her halfway before.

But all Matt’s been doing this entire time is _trying_ to meet her in the middle.

Could it be that this might actually...work out?

She fights the urge to knock on wood. The last thing she needs is to jinx herself, but Matt’s truly been putting in a lot of effort to show her he cares. Yes, okay, he hasn’t admitted exactly _what_ he feels for her and, no, they haven’t talked about Gabby yet, but…

She can’t help but hope.

She started this road trip wanting to rebuild her walls but that was a fool’s errand. She should have known Matt would crash through even more of them. It’s what he does. She puts up a wall and he knocks it down. He’s been sledgehammering his way through her walls long before he even knew it. There was no way he was going to stop. Not now that he was being purposeful about it. Plus, the man is well trained in how to use a sledgehammer, figuratively and literally.

“Matt, I—“

“Here you go, kids. Orders up.”

Sylvie bites back an irritated huff and pastes on a gracious smile as their waitress sets down their breakfast orders. 

“Okay, that’s all of it. Need anything else?”

She and Matt answer her in one voice. A polite but extremely firm, “No.”

Her eyes widen at their insistence and she nods. “Right, okay. I’ll just go ahead and leave the check then. Enjoy your food!”

Sylvie sighs in relief and pointedly meets his eyes across the table. “I want to help you with your baggage, Matt. That’s the point of all of this.” She pauses and hesitantly bites her bottom lip, debating continuing. But what the hell? They’re supposed to be honest, right? “I have my own previous relationship baggage. You’ve heard some of it already and, before you even knew what you were doing, you helped me face it. You may not have known it but you’ve been helping me confront my issues this whole time. All I want is the opportunity to do the same for you. You don’t have to worry about shielding me or putting too much on me. I _want_ to support you. It would make me incredibly happy if you let me do that for you.”

Matt looks away from her, down at his plate, and shakes his head. He speaks softly after a moment of broody silence. “Every time I’ve done that, I’ve lost someone. Being someone else’s support always worked out better for me. And I feel like I’ve leaned on you so much already, leaning on you with anything else feels like pushing my luck.”

She reaches across the table and wraps her hand around his. She knows exactly how he feels. She never imagined anyone else would understand, but if anyone would then Matt makes the most sense. “Luck has nothing to do with why I’m here. I’m here because I’m choosing to be here. And I’m going to choose to be here for you as long as you want me to be.”

He looks up to meet her eyes and the wonder he directs at her drowns out everything else. All motion around them freezes -- the world stops on a dime.

“Is that offer as open ended as it sounds?” He asks, eyes never straying from hers.

His words and his stare nearly send a shudder through her entire body. Her heart pounds, she can hear her blood rushing through her veins, and breathing becomes ten times harder. She has no idea how one question and one set of eyes can set off so many reactions at once. It shouldn’t be possible. But then again, this is Matt Casey.

With him, nothing seems impossible.

Her mouth goes dry as she tries to decide how to answer him.

Is this the moment? The moment where her truth spills out? She can feel him drawing it out of her like she’s under some sort of spell. She licks her lips and struggles to pull air into her lungs, preparing herself for the words that are on the tip of her tongue.

Her lips part to speak, but as soon as they do the moment comes crashing down around them like a sudden summer thunderstorm. But instead of thunder ruining the moment, it’s the ringing of a cell phone.

Her cell phone.

The ring tone pulls her out of whatever trance he managed to put her in. She recognizes it immediately. 

“That’s -- that’s Scott. I should--”

“Yeah, of course,” Matt replies, tearing his eyes away from hers to check the time on his watch. “He’s probably wondering where you are. If you’d left on time you would have been there by now. We should probably finish up here and get back on the road soon anyway.”

So much for her moment.

“Right, yeah. Makes sense. I’m just gonna take this outside really quickly.”

Matt nods and returns his focus to his plate. “Take your time.”

_Take your time_. She scoffs under her breath on her way out the door. What a timely reminder. She has no idea how Matt feels about her. What was she thinking? No, she needs to know he’s ready before she takes that particular plunge. The next move is his and his alone.

As much as it kills her to wait.


End file.
